Having left the warm, welcoming splendor of the South in a misguided quest for “direction” and “fulfillment” we put down (very shallow) roots in Philadelphia.
 
Our experiences here may best be described by a preponderance of “you’ve got to be kidding me” and “sweet jesus” exclamations. This, then, is our best attempt to document these reactions, and their collective impetus: Philadelphia.
 
We hope to shed light on the area to those both uninitiated and well-versed; to perhaps, dissuade the future repetition of our own mistake, and embolden change in those already here. We have developed this forum as a center  for outright complaint and criticism - a mode of self-therapy.

 
In short, we propose that Philadelphia:

• Is a bastion of negativity, hatred, rudeness and depravity, where people are as friendly as a pack of jackals.
   
• Devalues education - boasting the largest population of citizens without college diplomas, highest number of failing charter schools (as a response to failing public schools), and greatest quantity of teachers murdered for iPods.
   
• Is home to an unbearably large proportion of unattractive and obese citizenry.
   
• Has an extremely efficient parking ticket processing system, and little to no parking, efficiency or general “systems” anywhere else within the city. 
   
• Boasts 28 murders and 65 forceable rapes per 100,000 citizens…and growing!
   
• Cheered Michael Irvin breaking his neck at The Vet, booed Santa Claus and bombed black people.
   
• Has a rich cultural history that has unfortunately been overrun by cheesesteaks, water ice, WaWa’s, pretzels and Tasty Kakes.
   
• Has apparently never educated its inhabitants on the proper use of a trash can.
   
• May best be described as a city where cultural illiteracy meets a love of guns and scrapple. 
   

Thank you for your time.