The Philadelphia Arch Diocese announced the canonization of Philadelphia’s own patron this week.

In a perfectly fitting Philadelphian ceremony, replete with guttural insults, sports references, fried food and four-letter vulgarities, the area’s highest holy-man, Cardinal Justin Rigali, christened Our Lady of the Trashcan.

In response to the unusual nature of the new icon, the Cardinal stated:
“We wanted to restore the community’s faith in the relevance of the Church. You know, make it a little more real to their existence. What’s more ‘Philadelphia’ than a defaced cultural icon? We have a history of those, you know?…” adding, “…plus there’s a shitload of trash all over this place. Seriously. A Shitload.”

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