Sexy Phinally Brought Back to Philadelphia!
Two years after being named the ugliest city in America, sexy has finally been brought back to Philly, apparently by the truckload.
Yes us did!
For Once, I have Nothing to Say.
I don't even understand this. As a direct result, I can't even bring myself to attempt some 'witty,' pseudo-news article about this. It just is what it is: garbage can in a giant hole in the middle of the road - the quintessential Philadelphia image.
They should bronze this and put it next to Rocky. It's that perfect.
Parenting Commentary of the Year
"Pimpalicious parents pimping kids."Seriously. Saw it airbrushed on a purse Thursday. Not sure if the wearer of said purse understands either the literal meaning or connotation of "pimping."
East Falls Easter Hunt Horribly, Horribly Misguided
On our semi-annual "walk around the neighborhood" this past easter, we happened upon these little gems: poops! In tidy little bags! Everywhere! Clearly the only possible explanation for this treasure trove of goodness is as follows:Apparently misunderstanding the point and practice of the oft celebrated easter "surprise" hunt, local 'delphians scattered about the only resource not lacking in our beloved city: crap.
I'm sure the children enjoyed.
...more after jump...
Philadelphia Patron Saint Announced
The Philadelphia Arch Diocese announced the canonization of Philadelphia's own patron this week.In a perfectly fitting Philadelphian ceremony, replete with guttural insults, sports references, fried food and four-letter vulgarities, the area's highest holy-man, Cardinal Justin Rigali, christened Our Lady of the Trashcan.
In response to the unusual nature of the new icon, the Cardinal stated:
"We wanted to restore the community's faith in the relevance of the Church. You know, make it a little ...
Local Rhodes Scholar Opts for Career Change
Luckily for North Philadelphia, one of their own academic elite has come home to roost.Inspired by Philadelphia's booming local entrepreneurial spirit and a desire to "get his hands dirty again," local wunderkind 'Honest Lou' has left his Oxford position researching the role of medievalisms in contemporary society to pursue a much humbler path: opening his own 'exteminater supply co.'
Congratulations, North Philadelphia. Congratulations.
Philadelphia Politics + Little League Football = FIST FIGHTS!
From philly.com:"A ceremonial recognition of the national champion Frankford Chargers Pop Warner football team ended with punches flying upstairs."
[Video in full post]
According to WHYY, who also reported on the event: Police said the protesters [obviously, the d-bags protesting in the video] “became louder and also verbally abusive.” When...asked to leave, police said, [the protesters] tried to “push, shove and throw punches” at a police Civil Affairs sergeant... This is somehow expected. What other way would a true Philadelphian make themselves heard than punching a ...
Philadelphia (Hack) Graphic Designers: “Camden Prisons Awesome!”
I know this is a skosh old, but hey...we've been busy.
Camden's Riverfront State Prison is set to close by June 30th of this year. According to Philly news sources the property is slated to be redeveloped and integrated into the newly family/tourist oriented Camden Riverfront.
Law enforcement unions in the area have a decidedly different take on the situation: as a result of the prison closing, more prisoners will be released into halfway houses and residential treatment facilities, a process which will ultimately lead to, apparently, AN ...
All Hail Breaks Loose In Philadelphia!
In a particularly fitting turn of events Sunday, March 29, 2009, Philadelphia was peppered with a freak hailstorm. Said hailstones destroyed, as is only fitting, the one remaining thing (besides leaving) we were looking forward to: our tulips.
[Video in full post]
“Neither Rain, Nor Sleet, Nor Beers…” Claim Area Postal Workers
While recently taking a break from the day in our local bar, we were pleasantly surprised by our mailman.On the job.
With his letter bag.
Drinking.
Several beers.
Our confusion about the seeming inefficiencies of the Philadelphia postal system are now resolved.
Eagles Take Rightful Backseat To Cardinals Any Other Team.
Mocking The Mock Newspaper: Inquirer Gets “Impailed”
The dude who made this knows what's up.
Philadelphia Performance Troop Tackles Accounting Fraud…With Dance!
Local dance company - Rebecca Davis Dance - is putting on GREED: The Tale of Enron, a ballet that follows the careers of Enron Chief Executive Jeffrey Skilling and other executives including the late Kenneth Lay, Andrew Fastow and Cliff Baxter. From the dance company's own website: "Set to edgy contemporary alternative rock, the performance explores the rivalries, ambitions, deceptions, and greed that powered Enron's meteoric ascent. Enron lobbyists ensured the deregulation, triggering years of sky-high mark-to-market “profits” and stock manipulations - until the world demanded the real balance sheet. ...
Ewe Have Got To Be Kidding Me!
Wocka Wocka Wocka!While walking the dog at the inner-city ball park near our apartment, we happened upon this: a live, spray-painted, sheep with a leash. For real. Grazing on the only grass patch within a 5 mile radius.
Who spray-paints a sheep?
Philadelphia Eagles to Books: “Screw you Books!”
Philadelphia is closing libraries. A bunch of them.As quoted by this guy, the whole situation is "like, stupid."
According to city bigwigs, the best way for the city to get the $8 million in budget cuts it needs, is by closing 11 library branches and making cuts at the central administration.
In typical Philadelphia fashion the Philadelphia Eagles owe the city exactly: $8 million.
Perhaps the Eagles could actually win a game or two if they, perhaps, entered a library and read ...
Phila Police Forgo DUI Checkpoints, Lock-up Bartenders!
Here's to proactive measures!This Thursday evening, December 4, 2008, Philadelphia police and state liquor agents raided unlicensed bars across the metro area, making arrests at several unlicensed drinking estabishments and hauling off hundreds of gallons of beer and liquor.
Also brought in by police during the haul: world's most Philadelphian photograph!
An Irish guy, at a bar, holding a pinkslip, kissing his handcuffed girlfriend while receiving a titty-twister.
It's a treasure-trove of awesome in that thing.
Possibly funnier: According to the Inquirer, ...
Sole Literate Philadelphian Way Upset
This guy is priceless.
[Video in full post]
Of all the objections I've heard to date regarding the closing of libraries around the area, not one of them have anything to do with "They have books in there. We like to read books."
Most of them are on line with this guy and his priceless "It's like stupid" and "I'm a carpenter..bleebargh...Awwww shit" comments...
++ keep reading ++
Mark the Bagger. Is. Fascinating.
Mark the Bagger is arguably the most redeemable thing/person/what? the Philadelphia region has produced in the last 150 years...
[Videos in full post]
++ keep reading ++
City’s Jerkdom Officially Recognized!
The cheesesteak has finally been given the credit it deserves! By beating out Rocky for the city's "most important moment," the cheesesteak-vote-of-confidence (doled out by Philly Mag) has officially cemented Philadelphia in the brains of thinking people worldwide as the most full-of-crap-jerk-town in the U.S.!Hoorah!
According to Philly Mag: “Of all the contributions Philadelphia has given the world...none has become more identified with our city than the tasty concoction Pat Olivieri invented back in 1930.”
Also included on the list of "top Philadelphia ...
Philadelphia Panthers “Block” the Vote
Part 3 of our first (and last) Quadannual Northeast Presidential Election Debacle coverage.Local Black Panthers took to the streets today, ensuring the undecided vote went squarely in the favor of one candidate...not by rallying voters for their cause, but by intimidation, Philly style!
Fox News reported earlier "that two Black Panthers stood at the door of a Philadelphia polling place, one of them holding a nightstick, and made voters feel intimidated. One called the police, and the guy with the nightstick was escorted away."
[Videos in full post...]
...
Philadelphia Raises The Bar On Political Debate
Part 2 of our first (and last) Quadannual Northeast Presidential Election Debacle coverage.In the city where the Declaration of Independence was penned, the foundation of our Nation's government and collective philosophy were anguished over, and the model of democratic governance for the future world was built, political debate and commentary has finally been elevated to its true potential:
In just over 200 years, we've come from... "When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the ...
Local Dealers Distribute “Heroin You Can Believe In”
To begin part 1 of our first (and last) Quadannual Northeast Presidential Election Debacle coverage, we bring you the most inventive guerilla political campaigning the world has ever seen - drugs with faces on them!
And political messages!
According to the Wilkes-Barre Times Leader: Police said ... heroin packets stamped “OBAMA 09″ were found in the basement...
“I’ve never seen a stamp like that before,” Frank Noonan [of the state attorney general's office] said.
We're confused here at the Two Years camp on several issues ...
Philadelphia Retardery Hits All-Time High
Following the World Series win (as briefly noted in a previous post), local citizens upped the level of stupidity in the City of Brotherly Love to an all-time high. Considering previous levels of stupid in the nation's second capitol, that's saying a lot.First up: post-win rioting. Immediately following the Phils' 3-inning win, fans and those generally interested in "smashing!" took to the streets and showed the rest of the world what sports means to this town by: falling through the roof of a bus shelter (and "smashing!"), flipping cars (read: "smashing!")and fighting the cops!
[videos in full ...
Phillies Win World Series, Fans Celebrate By Burning Town To The Ground
Following the World Series Win that broke the Phillies' 28 year hiatus from championship-having, local 'delphians took to the streets in true fashion.Broad Street from City Hall to Pattison Avenue was filled with fans celebrating in the only way this town knows how: breaking everything in site!
...
World Series Fans Regale Opposing Team With Northeast Hospitality
According to Tampabay.com, Philadelphia fans showed their true colors during the Sunday, October 26th Game 3 of the World Series.The rabid Phillies fans - denizens of a sports fanbase often regaled as the worst in world - harassed, harangued and generally and abused Rays fans at Citizens Bank Park to a level not before experienced by the gentle Southerners:
Children were cursed at. (Which is no surprise, having personally witnessed a youngster at a Phillies game in 2007 call an Atlanta fan a 'faggot' and whip a full cup of soda at him.) One 9-year-old boy ...
Local Woman Can’t Bring Self To Leave School
Apparently the crime problem in Philadelphia is so bad, the one human being we find who actually sticks (pun!) in the educational system gets raped (while wedged between walls) in the process. Hmm. Good luck there, Ackerman!As taken from Philly.com
Phila. police find woman wedged between walls at school
Police said yesterday they were surprised to find a young woman stuck between the exterior walls of a Catholic school in Kensington and an adjacent trailer Saturday night after nuns reported hearing her screams. The 20-year-old Bucks County woman apparently fell from the roof of the Visitation of ...
Local Residents Discuss Makings of a Hero
Philadelphia Street Trash discuss the makings of a hero.[click to view video in full post...]
Favorite part: "If this big, fat black woman can do this and encourage people..." Priceless!
Philadelphia Fans, Up To Their Usual Antics.
We have nothing better to say about these.
Sarah Palin Knows Cheesesteaks; Tony Luke’s Doesn’t Know Palin
On a recent trip to Tony Luke's in South Philadelphia, Palin showed her local savvy by ordering one "wit wiz and onions." In response, our local ambassador of education and acculturation, Tony Luke's top notch window lady, greeted the Vice Presidential nominee with a wonderfully informed "and your name?"Go South Philadelphia! Way to stay in touch!
[Embedded video from CNN Video... ]
Favorite parts of this video: Reaction of the guy behind Palin Temple guy sticking it to the (wo)man with the tough political questions...while waiting on a steak "Dude, I'm ...
Bryn Mawr Resident Both Pops and Locks
One of the things I have come to love about Philadelphia is the fact that I would never get a chance to see this type of thing back home.[click to view video in full post...]
Much like in New York, the combination of cramped quarters, low levels of self respect and cheap drugs in Philly have stripped the population of any concept of "shit you keep to your self."
We may have crazies in the South, but at least we keep them indoors.
* Stolen from Surly at poisondonut.com
Local Cuisine Hits Peak in South Philadelphia
The city internationally known for its haute cuisine (namely cheesesteaks, tastykakes and water ice) has once again set the tone for culinary mastery with its newest approach to entree artistry:Mixed Nuts!
Philadelphia Area Man Brings the Hammer Down
Repeatedly.On another dude.
On public transit.
In front of a child.
His child.
[click to view video in full post...]
An explanation, as taken from Philly.com:
"As the SEPTA subway train rocked forward, a thirty-something guy leaned over near the doorway and gently planted a kiss on the little boy at his side. When the train neared the Fairmount Avenue stop shortly after midnight on Thursday, the man reached out like an adoring parent and directed the 3- or 4-year-old tyke to an open seat.
Then he flew into a monstrous rage. Without uttering a word, ...
Bunny Ecstatic for Philadelphia’s Tastykake!
The city that has ranked as one of the top 10 fattest cities in the US for the last 6 years in a row has now officially spread its love of early onset diabetes to its livestock.GO PHILLY!
Seriously, does this town love junk food or what? It's out of control. For real.
Icee Promotes New Flavor Outside Philadelphia Zoo
Icee decided to test out its new flavor to Philadelphia Zoo visitors: HAIR! They even threw in a spoon for the non-slurpers.
* Personal aside: We found this while taking our 9-year-old suburban/rural cousin on a baby-sitting-day-at-the-zoo trip. Took a picture, laughed, said "what the crap?" a couple dozen times and kept on moving. No biggie. Typical day in Philadelphia. Fast forward 4 hours later to snack time...when asked if she'd like an Icee, said cousin responds with "I'm afraid it'll have hair in ...
Waldo Found Amongst Trash in West Philly
Sidewalks are the new garbage can in West Philadelphia. Need a couch or mattress or traffic cone or floating plastic chair or used condom? 44th & Baltimore (sorry...bald-ee-moor). Get some.
* Q: Where's Waldo? A: Telecommuting in the background.
Philadelphia Thief in Need of Trash Can
The city with some of the worst litter and crime problems in the country (Go Philadelphia!) has finally gotten its shit together to combine the two into world's weirdest string of thefts.
One of my favorite parts of this string is the clear "you've got to be kidding me" sentiment that underlies the poster's comments. See: the "euphemistic 'life in the big city'" and "seem normal acceptable" parts.
Genius!
See more/taken from phillyblog.com
Syringes Down The Shore!
Medical debris continued to pose problems for the start of Labor Day weekend along some Cape May County beaches.The town of Avalon allowed swimmers back into the ocean at some of its beaches on Friday afternoon, after closing all of its beaches in the morning because six syringes were found. An additional sweep turned up nothing.
Ocean City closed all its beaches for part of the day after five needles washed up, but reopened half of them by the late afternoon.
Some sections of beach also were closed in Sea Isle City and Strathmere after needles were found in ...
Ron & Fez Got it Right!
Ron & Fez can think of at least 1,000 reasons to despise Philadelphia...++
School Zone? Pssshhh…More Like Fool Zone!
More Philadelphia parking mishaps: In a school zone, in front of a Popeyes, blocking a driveway = "of course!"
Aside from the true level of the eyesore, what you may not be able to see in the photograph is the trash from on the car and inside the car that made it outside the car and on the street (where the kiddies walk). Refuse including, but not limited to: glass, fast food ...
Local Driver Unfamiliar With Inertia
4 days in the road. Blocking the road. No ticket. No tow.
